Weapon of Mass Suffocation
by Dior Crystal
Summary: “OH MY GOD YOU ARE SO CUTE!” Matsumoto squealed, crushing Ulquiorra Schiffer’s face into her bosom, suffocating him. Ouch.


Ulquiorra was up in a tree, his face completely covered in shadow. He was ordered by Aizen-sama to eliminate the substitute shinigami and his friends since they posed a threat upon his plans. Ulquiorra was now in a park in Karakura Town, surveying his surroundings from up the tree, on a look out for his enemies. His eyes narrowed when he spotted Kurosaki, Renji, Matsumoto and Rukia walking in a group.

Enemies spotted.

The emerald eyed arrancar noticed that they were already in their shinigami form. He raised an eyebrow. They must have already been informed of his presence.

Ichigo was ready to pull his hair out. "Where the FUCK is that arrancar that Yamamoto told us to kill??" he cried out in frustration, stomping his foot. "We've been looking for nearly a damned hour!"

"Shut the fuck up, Ichigo!" Renji spat. "You will alert the damned thing!"

"… No need to worry about that, shinigami. I am already here."

The group stiffened, fear growing inside them. The voice came from a tree behind them. They turned around slowly, gripping the handle of their zanpaktous, getting into a defensive stance. A small, slender form slowly came into their vision, landing gracefully onto the ground, but they were unable to see the arrancar's face because it was cloaked in shadow.

Said arrancar stepped out of the shadows, hands in his pockets, his eyes closed, his expression stoic. He was small, slender but was slightly muscular, clad completely in white attire. His raven hair was short and messy, with his mask perched on one side of his head like a broken helmet. He had a doll-like face, porcelain white skin and green tear track markings running down each of his eyes.

The group gulped. From the feel of his reiatsu, they could tell that this arrancar was very powerful.

Ichigo pulled out his zanpaktou, ready to clash swords with the thing. "Don't you move!" the orange haired teen snarled.

The pale arrancar merely ignored the substitute shinigami. "Ulquiorra Schiffer. Cuatro Espada," he said, introducing himself. He opened his eyes, gazing at the group, a look of utter boredom on his face. He had huge eyes, and they were the greenest that any of them had ever seen.

He was… _cute_.

Everyone went stock still. Cuatro? But that meant…!

Noting the fear in their eyes, Ulquiorra said, "Yes, that means I am the fourth strongest arrancar in Aizen's army." He approached them slowly. "And I have been ordered to kill all of you."

Feeling a particularly intense stare on him, Ulquiorra turned to the source of it; Rangiku Matsumoto. "What do you find so interesting, woman?" He walked towards her.

"Stay away from her!" Rukia yelled.

The pale arrancar silenced her by flaring up his reiatsu. Rukia fell to the ground, unable to withstand the pressure.

Returning his attention to the busty lieutenant, Ulquiorra continued, "Answer me, woman." He did not like the way Matsumoto was staring at him. Her eyes were wide and staring, and her mouth hung open, opening and closing like a goldfish. Unlike the others, he did not sense any fear from her.

"Well?" he pressed.

No answer.

"Answer me," Ulquiorra repeated calmly, closing the distance between them till they were just about a foot apart. His curiousity was growing by the second. Why did she not fear him?

The woman just gave him a blank look. He was beginning to wonder whether the woman was right in the head.

Ulquiorra tried a final time. "Why do you stare at me so?" he inquired, tilting his head to the side, his huge emerald eyes full of child like curiousity.

That did it.

"OH MY GOD, YOU ARE SO _CUTE_…………!!!"

Next thing the pale arrancar knew, he was on the ground, the obviously crazy woman right on top of him. "What on earth…?" he choked.

Matsumoto's face was right above his, her eyes shining. "Ulquiorra Schiffer! What a pretty name!" she squealed, glomping him. "I'm going to call you Ulqui-chan!"

He stared at her disbelievingly. "… Let go of me."

But she wasn't listening. She had gone into crazy mode like every girl does when she sees something cute. Unfortunately, there is no cure for this. "And oh my god, are these real or just make up??" Matsumoto giggled, referring to Ulquiorra's tear track markings. She pinched his cheek.

Was this woman mad?

And not to mention her boobs were way too close to Ulquiorra's face, threatening to overwhelm him at any moment.

"Matsumoto!" Renji cried. "Get away from it! That thing is highly dangerous! It could kill you!"

"Oh hush," Matsumoto said dismissively. She looked back down at the pale arrancar, smiling. "How can something as adorable as this hurt lil old me?" She stood up and lifted Ulquiorra above her head, swinging him around. "Wow, you are so small! It makes you look so delicate! I'm sooooo jealous!" the blonde woman gushed.

"… We are supposed to be fighting." Ulquiorra frowned. Matsumoto ignored him, continuing to swing him around like a toy.

Everyone watched this scene unravel before them fearfully. Was Matsumoto off her rocker??

Ulquiorra narrowed his eyes. He did not appreciate being swung around like a ragdoll. "Put me down, woman."

"No!" Matsumoto giggled. Then, noticing something else about the Cuatro Espada that sent her into a fresh tirade of squeals, she cried, "And oh, oh, aren't you _precious_! Your face is just like a dolly! You look like a dolly!"

She hugged him, her cheek against his and her arms around his small, slender form, securing him so that he could not escape.

"Of all the…" Ulquiorra began, getting frustrated. "Are you mad, woman?"

Hearing the anger in his voice, Matsumoto held him in front of her, pouting. "You are mad at me," she said sadly.

"Of course. Now unhand me."

Matsumoto's eyes widened. She began giggling again, her body shaking with laughter.

"What now?" Ulquiorra was getting impatient.

"You look so cute when you are angry," she said, her eyes sparkling. Unable to control her excitement anymore, she did something they did not expect. "OH MY GOD YOU ARE SO CUTE...!" Matsumoto squealed, crushing Ulquiorra Schiffer's face into her bosom, suffocating him.

"Matsumoto!" Ichigo shouted. "Get away from that thing! He'll kill you!"

"You guys worry too much," the blonde woman laughed.

"Matsumoto, listen to me. That thing is dangerous!" Rukia said desperately, worried for her friend's safety.

"And I say that that is preposterous! Stop saying mean things about Ulqui-chan!" Angered, Matsumoto turned around, the pale arrancar's body swung, following her movement, his face fastened securely between her breasts.

Renji winced. "Dude, that is _so_ wrong…"

"Can't… breathe…" the pale arrancar gasped, his face red from lack of oxygen, struggling to get out of the confines of Rangiku's chest only to have Rangiku shove his face right back in.

"Stay right there, Ulqui-chan. Rangiku is gonna deal with those meanies," Matsumoto scolded, her hand on the back of his head to keep him where he was when he continued to struggle. She returned her blue eyes on her friends, glaring at them. "Why are you all being so mean to Ulqui-chan?"

"Matsumoto! That arrancar is part of Aizen's army. He'll kill us all," Ichigo said exasperatedly.

"Nonsense! Ulqui-chan here won't hurt a fly!" Matsumoto bit back. "Isn't that right, Ulqui-chan?" She gazed fondly at the raven head between her breasts, patting the pale arrancar's head. When Ulquiorra struggled, she smacked his head lightly. "Don't be naughty and stay put while I talk to them."

"He is the enemy!"

"So?" Matsumoto said stubbornly. "He's nice! He won't hurt us!"

"How do you know that??"

"I just _know_, okay?"

"That's not good enough, Matsumoto!" Ichigo and Renji both yelled, their faces red.

"Yes, it is!"

"No, it isn't! Now let go of him so that we can fight him!"

"No! You are not laying a finger on Ulqui-chan!" Matsumoto yelled angrily.

While they argued, they did not notice that the pale arrancar's movements were growing weaker until Ulquiorra Schiffer finally stopped struggling and just hung suspended in the air between Matsumoto's breasts like a ragdoll.

"I will not stand for this! I will not stay here listening to you guys say mean things about Ulqui-chan!" Matsumoto fumed, glaring at them. "Come, Ulqui-chan, we are leaving!"

No answer.

"Ulqui-chan?" Matsumoto said fearfully.

Nothing.

Panic rising up her throat, the blonde woman released her hold on the pale arrancar's head. He slid from between her breasts with a 'pop' and landed onto the ground lifelessly. "Ulqui-chan!" she cried, tears in her eyes, kneeling beside him. She shook him. "ULQUI-CHAN!" she screamed, cradling his small body in her arms.

Still nothing.

Renji approached cautiously and poked Ulquiorra Schiffer, and then grabbed his pale wrist, feeling for his pulse. He withdrew, eyes wide. "Dude," Renji said disbelievingly, "He's _dead_."

Ichigo grimaced sympathetically. "What a way to die, man."

* * *

**A/N: Ignore me. I know it is stupid. This is just something completely random that I spouted out.**


End file.
